Luckyshirt

So I’ve been talking to a lot of friends about their breakups lately. It’s the season, I guess. We’re entering peak human horribleness right now according to this chart that tracks facebook breakups, so let me just leave the following here:

STOP CALLING AND TEXTING THEM. Seriously. This is the one thing you will regret the most. There is not a single damned thing you can do or say to make them want to come back. You can only do the opposite. You’re all razorblades and nails trying to hold on to a balloon. Stop. Because:

FORGET ABOUT THEM. They left. Let them leave. Because check this craziness out:

YOU DON’T WANT SOMEONE WHO WOULD EVER DECIDE TO LEAVE YOU.

Repeat that over and over until you remember how words work, then keep going until it sinks in.

You want someone who adores every single stupid thing you do and say. Even the horrible stuff. They didn’t. You should be thanking them for not wasting any more of your time EXCEPT DON’T CONTACT THEM.

BUT WHY DIDN’T THEY LOVE ALL OF YOU. Oh man. You might want to sit down for this. Do you have any idea how many people don’t want to marry you or sleep with you? MOST PEOPLE ALIVE TODAY. It’s true. Most people alive today don’t want to marry me or sleep with me. Same goes for you. So you dated one. That’s going to happen. Because, again, most people.

I know. It’s the worst thing ever. You’re doing that thing where you wake up and you’re all like “HEY WHAT’S GOING ON IN MY LIF— OH GOD I JUST REMEMBERED I’VE BEEN DUMPED.”

You’ll never get over this.

Until you do.

Until one day you see them somewhere with someone else, and you straight up don’t care anymore.

That’s how this dance goes. So go ahead and be sad something ended. You had fun. Then knock it off.

I show the above chart in my class when I talk about tech’s effect on relationships. And I tell my students something I stand by:

Unfollow them. On everything everywhere. You’re not being a jerk, you’re being a human.

Following them online is the prairie equivalent to sitting on their porch and listening to them have sex with that ugly jerk from the General Store. You’re asking for it.

Get off their porches. And stop calling and texting and DMing and everything ever.

Now get back to having some respect for yourself. They fucked up. You’re perfect.