Words with Millennials
Me: Have you seen that movie with Robert DeNiro where Edward Norton pretends to be mentally disabled?
Him: Rain Man?
Me: Have you seen Rain Man?
Him: A long time ago I think.
Me: And you really thought I just described Rain Man?
Him: Dude that movie came out when I was like negative five.
Me: I was talking about the sequel.
Him: They made a sequel?
Me: Yes. Have you seriously not seen Rain Man Two? With Robert DeNiro and Edward Norton.
Him: I think I saw it. Maybe.
Me: Yeah, there's this whole thing at the end where he was just pretending to be autistic.
Me: I'm never talking to you again.
From 1981-1993 I was beat repeatedly by the man...
Needless to say, those were some dark years. A dozen of them. At their darkest, I thought about ending them and myself with the only power I had to do so. Then, one day, I was sitting under my bunk bed, and it occurred to me that death was coming for me whether I liked it or not. And that there might be some things worth doing before that happens. I’m glad I listened. Because I was...
If you ever lack conviction that you can make...
just remind yourself that there is a top 40 song on loop on the radio right now that repeatedly says: You cast a spell on me, spell on me. You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me. And I decided you look well on me, well on me. Well on me. Well. On me. And everyone just lets it happen. So yeah. Make whatever the fuck you want.
Further evidence to support my need for an...
Kickstarter backer message: Hello! I pledged for super fight and chose the all ages expansion but would actually like to get the xrated one! Is this possible? Thanks so much!
My reply, verbatim: Pervert.
KIDDING yes that is totally okay. Just indicate that on the official survey you'll get, pervert!
KIDDING AGAIN, PERVERT.
I'm hiring a virtual assistant.
Which is a hell of a thing, in terms of what that means my life is becoming. I found my way. I can see the path that leads from me to the life I want, one in which I live in a loft and build things all day in my underwear and sleep while glue dries and drink when I switch from power tools to hand tools. But there is a lot of work to do. And to be honest, I’m just not that into work....
A student just asked if a pen will work on a...
A pen. This is a college. On earth. In 2013. This dude made it through his Yellowcard-fan-sized life without ever even accidentally stumbling across the answer to this question. A pen. There are gibbons in trees on the back of the planet that know they need a number two pencil. A fucking pen. Anyway, I said it would totally work.
scruffycockles asked: How the frak are you single?
Anonymous asked: You are too many things.
A transcript of the media coverage of every major...
“A thing happened. We don’t really know what the fuck is going on. But shit totally happened. Here’s some speculation and here are some interviews with people who also don’t know what the fuck is going on. Again: a thing happened. We don’t want to come off as insensitive by switching back to what we were doing before this happened, so we’ll just keep talking...
What if we were all allowed to have an animal of...
Like I’m imagining a world where we were all like some characters from some lame japanese fighting game who walked around with an animal companion. Except all the animals were cool and didn’t fight each other or people. They just sort of kicked it with us. Okay now I don’t even know why we would have them, except as some kind of weird accessory. Maybe they have us in this...